


Find Me I'm Lost

by Rootcx



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Childhood Trauma, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:46:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22134259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rootcx/pseuds/Rootcx
Summary: The beginning, middle and end of Lena's self-harm journey(?)Some good old Supercorp at the end.This fanfic has descriptions of self-harm, don't read this if it triggers you! Thanks, laddies♡♡
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 2
Kudos: 109





	Find Me I'm Lost

The first time it happens Lena is ten. Far too young you’d say, and you’d be right. Far too young to know anything about self-injury, let alone having done it. 

Nevertheless, Lena had not known to any full extent at the time what she had done. She had been crying, laying in a fetal position on her bed as she wept.  
On her bedside table was a candle. It swayed as it lit up the corner of the room. The corner with the little weeping girl in it. 

Lena could no longer remember what she had been crying about nor did she care at this point. She does remember what she had been feeling though. It was the same feeling that would haunt her for the rest of her life. It was that feeling, that impulse, that made her push herself up and reach out her little arm out over the flame. Lowering her exposed flesh down on the bright blaze Lena winced. Pulling her arm away Lena saw a small spot of red irritated skin forming right below her wrist. It was stinging as if it was still over the flame. Lena stared at it, big green puffy eyes. The feeling had been quenched, for the time being. 

The young Luthor lowered herself down on her pillow again feeling confused and sort of numb. The tears hadn’t stopped but she didn’t notice them as much any more. Lena only noticed the pain. 

~~~~

The small burn injury quickly healed. No one had noticed, Lena usually wore longs sleeves anyway. The years came and went and the feeling did not show itself for the longest time. Lena almost forgot it. Thought it wouldn’t show itself again. She was sorely mistaken. 

Thirteen years old. Lena was sent to an all-girls boarding school in Switzerland. “Luthor’s go to the best schools, and this is the best, Lena.” Lillian had said.  
She hated it from the moment she set foot on the school grounds. The other girls immediately started to target Lena. For her poor self-esteem? Or maybe for her short and thin stature? Perhaps. The girls seemed to have their reasons so she was shunned and picked on from the moment she arrived. 

Alaina was the only girl who didn’t harass her. Alaina was also from a wealthy American family and Lena and she just clicked. They used to stay up way past the set bedtime just talking. About anything. Life, family, hopes and dreams, their pasts. Lena felt like she’d finally found someone who truly got her. Who understood her. 

They’d laugh at each other’s stupid jokes and Alaina would always make Lena feel better after the older girls whispered mean things behind her back. Alaina was Lena’s first true friend. 

Soon enough Lena noticed a funny feeling in her chest whenever Alaina was around. As if butterflies nested inside her stomach ready to explode every time Alaina smiled or hugged her. 

The young Luthor decided to keep feelings a secret knowing that saying anything might jeopardise their whole friendship. So she kept it quiet and was pretty good at it. For the longest time ignoring those pesky feelings sort of worked. 

Until one afternoon Lena was in tears. Her tormentors had “accidentally” spilt a bucket of ice-cold water over her. Making her hair and clothes completely soaked. Alaina had quickly dragged her for the courtyard as Lena tried to choke back the tears. 

“Hey, hey Lena.” They were back in their dorm room now. Lena was full-on sobbing at this point. Alaina pushed Lena’s long black hair out of her eyes, cupping the brunettes face in her hands. “Hey look at me. Okay look at me, you’re going to be fine.” She gave Lena a smile. “Those girls have got nothing on you, you’re amazing. And you’re beautiful. A little water isn’t going to change that.” 

She smiled again and Lena didn’t know what came over her. Their faces where so close and Lena just leaned in and pushed her lips against hers. The brunette kissed her and the moment Alaina knew what was going on she pulled away with a gasp. The instant Lena could see the shock and hint of disgust in her friends face she knew she’d fucked up. 

“I- I didn’t mean in like that…” And with that, she was gone. Ran out of the room leaving Lena sitting soaking wet on her bed. She knew from that moment that she’d ruined it. 

Regret filled her body. Regret and such self-hatred she couldn’t contain herself. And the feeling came back. After so many years in hiding, it was emerging and stronger than last time. 

Something she’d seen one of the other girls do came to mind and Lena started to rummage through her bag, finding a pencil sharpener. She struggled for a few moments with the screw but eventually got it open. Lena then rushed into the bathroom and locked herself inside. 

Thin lines started to appear Lena’s forearms. First on the left, then on the right. Lena found herself lost in the blood, in the pain. So much so that when her breathing started to slow and her heart stopped aching so much she didn’t notice it at first.

With no bandages or plasters, Lena took two pads and taped them to her arms. Putting on a long-sleeved sweatshirt and sat on the bed. Once again feeling sort of numb. 

Lena had been right by the way. Her and Alaina’s friendship was over. The next day Alaina requested a room change and soon enough the rumours started going around about Lena being a perverted lesbian who tried to force herself onto her only friend. Alaina didn’t openly partake in the bulling of the young Luthor but every time they locked eyes Alaina gave her such a disgusted look that it physically hurt. It stung Lena’s heart so badly that she would’ve preferred being dunked under ice-cold water. 

~~~~ 

Lena self-harmed a lot that year, and the years to come. The cuts became bigger and bigger, and so did the blades she used. 

Lena only stopped once she met Jack. He had helped her recover from a lot of her past traumas and even made her start seeing a therapist. Slowly but surely the times of which she self-harmed became less and less frequent. Her scars faded and Lena felt like she was healing. And it felt good, she noted. Really good.

But then Lex went mad and Lena could feel her fragile roots quiver in their soil. She decided to yank them up herself and told Jack that she had to leave. It was painful but Lena liked it that way. She liked being the one who ended things. Liked being in control. 

So she packed her stuff and moved to National City. And not even a week later a blond bespectacled “not” reporter stepped into her office. Lena was intrigued but she had set out boundaries for herself. She wasn’t here to make friends, she was here to work. To bring her name out of the dirt. 

So she tried to forget about her. Days went by but Kara’s name stuck in her head so when they meet by chance at a cafe Lena gives in. She asks Kara to join her. The Luthor notes how easy it is to talk to Kara. How Kara makes her smile and laugh without even trying. They decide to meet again. They spend lunch date after lunch date getting to know each other. Some of them are spent at restaurants, others are just up in Lena’s office eating fast food take out. They get to know each other’s pasts. Lena for only the third time in her life opens up about her troubled history. Kara reaches out her hand and Lena accepts, they hold each other’s hand as the brunette gives the details of her upbringing. After that lunch date, Lena gets an extra big hug.

“Know that I am here for you, always,” Kara says as they part. And for the first time since Alaina Lena could feel her heart tugging inside her chest. She tries to ignore it, giving Kara a warm-hearted smile. 

When Kara comes out as Supergirl it doesn’t surprise Lena. “It was pretty hard to miss,” she says with a smile. They hug and Lena could feel her heart swell. A true friend. Friend… Lena’s heart sinks just a bit. No, she was not about to ruin another friendship over some stupid heart fluttering. So she smiles the sinking feeling away. It would go away eventually if she just ignored it.

It didn’t.

Lena noticed herself becoming more distant. Declining when Kara asked if she wanted to eat lunch or catch a movie. So when Kara walks into Lena’s office unannounced Lena’s blood ran cold. 

“Hey! I just let myself in, I hope that’s okay.” Kara’s bright smile made Lena’s want to dance, but Lena stopped it. 

“I actually have a lot of work to do so I don’t have time right now.” Kara’s smile faded as quickly as it had appeared. 

She stood there for a few moments, looking at Lena before speaking again. “Lena if I have done something wrong then just tell me because I can’t go on like this. You’re ignoring and shutting down every single offer to hang out and I feel like there’s something wrong.” Lena could see the hurt in Kara’s eyes so clearly that it stung. “So- so if something has changed I’d really like to know…” 

Lena looked down at her hands debating whether or not to tell Kara the truth. To be honest and possibly face another rejection or to stay silent and hurt Kara even more than she already had. 

Just as Lena was about to speak Kara turned on her heel and walked friskily to the door. 

“No Kara wait!” Kara’s hand was resting on the door handle. She had stopped to listen. Lena was quick to continue.  
“I- I like you. A lot. Like a lot, a lot.” Lena felt her heart hammer in her chest but she kept going. “I didn’t mean to catch feelings, it just happened. And I didn’t want to say anything in fear of another rejection… I don’t want to lose you.” Lena finished. Lena had halfway through her confession started looking down at the ground, bracing herself for the blow of an imminent rejection, so when she heard footsteps coming toward her Lena didn’t know what to think. 

“Oh, Lena…” The brunette looked up and saw Kara smiling back at her. “You had my heart the second I saw you.” Kara walked around Lena’s desk and stretched out. Lena took her hand without hesitation. 

“Really?” Lena needed to verify what she was hearing. Perfect ray of sunshine Kara likes her back? 

This is too good to be true. She’s too good to be true. 

“Yes, really.” Kara beamed at her. Lena returned her smile. Nothing she had ever felt was better than this feeling, This moment, here and now, with Kara. 

“Kan I kiss you?” Lena asked. 

“Please do,” Kara answered. They both leaned in. Kara took two fingers and lifted Lena’s chin just a smidge, then moving both of her hands to cup Lena’s flustered cheeks. 

When their lips met Lena felt her whole body turn to jello. Every concern or doubt simultaneously went away. There was only her and Kara, nothing else. 

~~~~

Mostly empty take out boxes littered the coffee table. The tv show Lena had put on earlier that night was long forgotten as Lena and Kara were preoccupied with other things. 

Their lips moved in sync as Kara was basically perched up in the Luthor’s lap as they sat on the couch. They had never done anything more than making out before but this night felt different. Things became more and more heated as the minutes passed. 

Lena started tugging lightly at Kara’s shirt, asking for permission to remove it. Kara gave a little nod and Lena quickly discarded the clothing item. Kara in return moved a hand and placed it just underneath Lena’s own shirt, waiting for approval. 

But when Lena put her hand over Kara’s and moved her mouth away from Kara’s the blond was confused. 

“Did I do something wrong?” Kara removed her hand from Lena’s hip and sat back. 

“No, no! You have done nothing wrong!” Lena reassured her with a soft smile. “I just forgot... For the time being.” Lena swallowed. She knew that this conversation would happen eventually. And Lena knew that Kara wouldn’t take it badly. Lena knew all of this but she was still scared. 

“What did you forget Lena?” Kara’s tone wasn’t pressing, just curious. 

“I have scars, self-harm scars. I haven’t done it in a few years so they’ve all healed but some are very big and pink and they’re ugly so I just…” Lena’s rambling was cut off by Kara putting a hand on Lena’s cheek. 

“My beautiful Lena. I think you are the most gorgeous woman in the entire universe. Your scars won’t change that. Never in a million years.” 

A single tear made its way down Lena’s cheek Kara leaned in and kissed it away. The blonde once again placed her hand first over Lena’s shirt, then under. And this time Lena removed the fabric. 

Kara took one of Lena’s arms in her hands and kissed all her scars there, moving down towards her wrist. Then she took the other arm and did the same thing. Lena relaxed into the couch, staring in awe at the blonde. Kara delicately kissed all of Lena’s scars, even the ones on her thighs and hips, when she got to them. 

All Lena could do was lay there and feel her heart swell with affection and appreciation for the woman in front of her.  
Kara gave her body the love it deserved. A love that it didn’t get for the majority of Lena’s life. Kara’s tender kisses made her fully believe that she deserved love. All of her.


End file.
